I've been writing this post, after like 3 months, and it feels like ages since i wrote the last blog post.

I've given my exams for the 5 semester, 3 more to go and then, umm then? I'm done with the bachelors degree. I'm done with a degree which I never really craved for, never really cared for and never really had wished for, but anyway since I'm more than halfway through into the journey towards the "Be an Engineer" path, I have to finish off what I've started.

What i wanted was a degree in the field of Music, guitarist to be more precise, I wanted to become a Rhythm Guitarist  and do journalism, or become a football writer side by side,engineering never really was my cup of tea, but I somehow gave all the exams, which dates back to the days of my school, I even gave my IIT main exam and just fell short of like 3 marks, I got 110 and the cutoff for IIT advance was 113. And back then it never really mattered to me, since I was never really the guy who got mad over marks, and I'm still the same though, marks never really matter to me, but since I'm giving a test I want to do well, sometimes I do and sometimes don't, and I'm happy I have a carefree attitude towards it, otherwise, who knows in what kind of depression I would've been in?,I mean think about it, missing IIT advance by 3 marks!,Who wouldn't have gone mad over it? I still don't care about the pointers and the marks and stuff.

I just..I just want to do what I love and I love writing and Playing guitar, and since I love watching football too, I love writing about football.

There's a common saying about Aeries,yeah I'm an Aeries according to that star signs and all that shit, I never really believe in all those things, but it says that an Aeries either gives 0 fucks or 100 fucks, it all depends on in what kind of state they are currently in, and I'm pretty sure how many I give for this "Path" that I've chosen. And I never really liked Amity University as a college,not because I don't have any friends or all that, I just don't like going to a place where, my heart doesn't give the go ahead orders, but I've to carry on with that for another 3 semesters.

But I'm kinda starting to love this field as well, whenever I'm done with my semester exams, I feel like falling into love with Engineering but then I see, guitar hanging on my the wall stand, and I'm like, f**k that shit I'm gonna play guitar for the next few hours or so!.

One and a half year left, I don't know what the future holds for me, no one knows, but I'm gonna make the rest of my life, the best of my life!.

So yeah i was scrolling through some random websites and yeah these are the pictures that i found. I can't really add anything to this post but, one thing i can do is,sit and admire the beauty of this series. 

And while many of us can only imagine these quotes being said by those fictional characters just by seeing the pictures below, many readers can figure it out too, and yeah there won't be a single harry potter fan out there who has read all the books of this series but hasn't watched the movie, haha so it makes little or no sense. 

So where was i, aah yes, i was reading a book(yeah that's what i do in my free time since i am free from my personal commitments at least for a week, and i am a private guy so i can't really tell what those commitments are!, and it won't matter as well since the guys clicking on this link would like to be more interested in the post rather than my personal life, haha) "Murder at the Rutherford hall" by PB Kolleri, aah what a book it is. I like the detectives, i like the cases and all the drama involved in it and the suspense right until the end, and it takes something, that X factor to be able to write well and make readers glued to their beds or sofas or couch or whatever, haha!. And since I've read the harry potter books too,i really admire the way she wrote all this stuff!, and would like to take my hat off and bow down in front of her!. hahahaha!.

Okay, so after a few months of really really tight schedule and other commitments, I finally got an hour or so to sit down and write a blog post! 

And I've recollected many many thoughts to spit out in this post.

Sometimes, it kinda makes me wonder, makes me wonder that, does money really matter in our lives, as we grow up.

Personally though, I've never felt the need to feel depressed, maybe because I've always had everything I needed. Being a gadget freak( to an extent), I've always had the privilege to test out the latest gadgets out there, and also being a passionate guitarist and to an extent a drummer, I've tried various instruments too. So it's fair enough to claim, I've pretty much never felt the need to be depressed.

Sometimes I see people, crying because they can't change their iPhone 5S to iPhone 6. I mean, haha common man, you still got an iPhone. It still cost you 53,500 bucks. 

And what all people can do with that money, umm, a middle class family can make do with that amount for 2 months, for all their basic daily needs. An NGO organization can make do with that money for helping out the poor kids get food. And if you put that money into your bank account, you will get 9% interest and in fact let your money grow!.

And the fact that, I have an iPhone as well doesn't approve me the rights to write all this stuff, haha. But, my parents gifted me that phone. I never asked for it. So technically I'm on the safer side, haha!.

As we grow up, everyone asks about our job, and parents expect us to earn as much as possible,they have every right to, they are our parents, they can never think about anything but good for us!. 

Some people have money as their sole motivation and work hard. Fair enough!

And some people use their motivation to get money, that's fair enough too!.

But the matter of the fact here is, what if money doesn't matter to me? What if a person wearing a Calvin Klein shirt and a person wearing a shirt only worth 700 bucks are totally equal and don't matter to me?. And what if it doesn't matter what others income is and what if it doesn't matter how big the house is and how many cars other people have?!.

What if it doesn't matter to me, if they have enough money in their wallets when they go out for shopping?. Everyone has an opinion and so do i.

Personally I really like a simple life, not all the glitter and glam world. Glitter and glam( haha, a new word) when I say it, I mean, the need to show the world that a person has a new object. If you have it cool, if you don't have it then it's fine as well!. What's the point in showing it to the people who can't buy it? It feels bad isn't it?.

 

We need to think about this!. And even though I'm on the positive end of the argument, in whichever way one see's it.

It kinda makes me sad seeing other incidents take place right in front of me.

Money never mattered to me, and it never will!

So yeah, I'm sitting in a movie theatre watching a movie I already watched, and I'm kinda excited to watch that movie again!. Yes, I'm watching fast and the furious 7, the last movie of Paul Walker!. So, RIP Paul. I'll miss you!.

And sometimes after that shit I wrote in before, haha it makes me think sometimes that....that what am I doing in this world. What am I doing? Umm its a pretty difficult question to answer to be honest!.

But I do know the fact that, I'm doing what I don't like, umm yeah!.

I don't want to pursue enginering, I never wnted to. What I thought when I took the sciences stream was that,( I know it's pretty much kiddish) I will be able to perform in beacon theatre only if I have a degree from a good university of United States!.

I wanted to complete my musical degree from United States, and complete my bachelors side by side. 

I wanted an official life, wearing a formal shirt( Calvin Klein, haha) for meetings  and play guitar and perform in gigs! all in that formal dresses!, with a tie on!.

I don't like the casual dresses, and I don't like a happening outgoing life too!.

I like a calm life...a life with not much activities...I mean, only the things which I like, the drums, guitar, gym and my family!. And yeah the job I need to do. I like an official life, with...with almost no time to even think about anything else!. 

And at the same time,I like a life with some peace, maybe I can put it this way!, I get peace when I do the things I like, and I can spend every second of my life doing those things, and I can still feel that warmth in my heart and the will and the determination in my brain to move forward and still be happy enough to live my whole life even if I have to live without all those glamourous things that everyone thinks is their sole aim of their lives!.

A real life love, my family, guitar performances and a job in which I can relish that official-ness( haha) is what I want!. Money?! It doesn't matter to me, it never did and it never will!.

*comes from the gym and sits in front of a heater with a blanket on*

*see his face in the front camera and thinks he should shave his beard in the near future*

So it's a coincidence isn't it? Look at the irony man! I absolutely hate to talk to others and I actually listen to the songs like 'apni to pathshala'',(*embaressed laughter*) hahahahaha but yeah!! So this is an irony for me! 

I always think I'm the evil,the devil haha(im a devil according to my stars, even though I don't believe in all this stuff! Hahahaha but according to my stars, it says I'm a good devil,the one which actually does good for others!) 

But the fact is, i can't notice what everyone is like! I can't notice what they're wearing, how beautiful/smart he/she is looking, how many contacts they have, how many pictures they post when they go out for an outing, what shoes they're wearing,the watch,the shirt,the car,does he/she have a driver,what mobile phone they have, what position his/her dad is in, the money they have in their wallets/purses, and yeah how many dates he/she attended the blah blah blah...list goes on!

I mean..yeah I'm like the opposite end of a magnet which repels all of this stuff! I'm...im like the one which gets attracted to the stuff involving only Guitar! And maybe sometimes drums! And yeah Rubik's cube! And these days Gym! I like to talk about these things..and these thugs only! Hahahaha.

And when someone talks about all the blah blah stuff I just mentioned above, all I do is change the topic or stay calm, or move away from there! Hahahahaha.

Maybe some day I'll find a friend and a real life love who likes all this stuff which I like! Hahaha!

"A battle is won with a big heart,not with a big mind"

And I love every creature in this world who has a pure,clean heart, and I'll probably find real life love and a friend with that, I believe!

:)

Okay so these days I'm writing more blogs than I usually do! Okay no problems with that! Haha!

Sitting in the class, waiting for the next teacher to come in while listening to songs, yeah how can I forget my music! Apart from my first love,music is the thing which makes my mood better! Makes my schedule tick! Makes....makes me a bit more sturdy and focused towards my dream! And I'm listening to the female version of Pani Da Rang! My favourite song, of all the guitar songs out there! Hahaha maybe yes that's the reason  I made my first video on this song! And I kinda like female or what do you call, the the unplugged versions more than the original ones! I kinda like things which are not usually the first choice for everyone out there! I kinda like supporting the underdogs! Kinda like the things which not everyone wants to do! But I just want to be a bit more different than others! Even though It requires a bit more sacrifice! Even though it takes a tad more mental strength! I kinda like writing blogs, but only to spit out my thoughts! I kinda like doing things, but only to make myself happy! 

And maybe this is the reason I don't make friends easily! Infact maybe this is the reason I don't even have a best friend uptill now! Yeah sure I know many guys! Many girls as well! And when I say I know them... I mean..yeah In one way or another..I mean yeahh! And it makes me wonder! Sometimes makes me think I'm different from others! But most of the time makes me think, I'm a boring guy and no one wants to listen to the shitty things I talk about usually!

I usually end up talking about guitar, the songs the drum beats of various songs! I usually end up talking about football! About the gyming schedule! About various things that i usually do! 

And I even know what everyone wants to talk when they are with they are with people of their age groups! Haha yeah I know everything!( *evil laugh*)

So yeah here it goes! When a guy talks to ...let's assume a guy! What will another guy expect from him? Talk about vodka! Talk about the girl friends! "Hey bro, yesterday I had a hangout with my best friend! Man she is so cute! She'll soon be my girl friend! You know that!?"

" and we had two tequila shots, two glasses of beer! One Jack Daniels!"

And when a guy talks to...let's assume the case of girls this time! What will they expect?! 

Here is goes! 

"Hey xyz! You are looking damn gorgeous you know that?(face to face not in messages! Haha it takes some courage to compliment a girl while talking to her!) then starts to kinda argue with her in a friendly manner just to keep the conversation going! 

and the girls be like

"this guy is so friendly. I kinda like him! Yeah!"

"Let's all of us plan a hangout with him and his friends"

And what happens with me, most of the time is..something like this! 

Let's assume with guys first! My response be like, when asked about all the stuff!

" haha bro yeah, my girl friend is cool enough not to complain to me,she is so beautiful! She has a very beautiful heart! Her name is Ella(Guitar). And we also go for a date twice a week!"

And though the reaction isn't so dramatic most of the times! But I can sense the discontent in their eyes! Haha but I don't care haha!.and maybe that's one of the reasons as well! Haha but again it doesn't make any difference!

And when talking to girls this time...it goes on like!

"Hey Shrikant,what do ya do?wanna come watch a movie with us?"

And I'm like..

" yeah sure xyz! ( and I never reply back because I'm too scared!)"

"Have you ever listened to that song?(any)it's so good!" 

That's all I'm able to do! 

And sometimes maybe try to talk about other things! And I'm kinda scared to do that as well!

Since, I don't want to change myself now! If I wanted to I would have changed my personality way ago! Like when I was in 11 standard! I will marry a girl, who will be just as mad as me, and will recognise me as a person i really am not as everyone thinks I am instead! Haha!.

:)

*in the midnight can't sleep because I slept in the afternoon for 4 hours*

So while I was searching through all my old photos and moments,to be honest I don't have many of them since I barely go out and get involved in parties and all, I noticed one thing, a thing that..in turn makes me more..a bit more what do you call it...in turn makes me do more of the same which I am doing untill now!.

I noticed that, every girl talks to a guy who makes her laugh! Has long conversations with her and the girls like it too! And I wonder that why will a girl would want to talk with a guy who is not so socially active!? Haha yeah!.

Maybe sometimes they seem to be a bit ignorant but the reality is those socially not so active guys can't properly talk to them, maybe they get scared sometimes!?

They might think ' Neither I am really good at something nor I am outgoing enough to make them laugh and talk to them! So why would a girl waste her time in trying to understand me what kind of person I am and then maybe have a small talk, that too just to make me happy!'.

 And most of the times, no one talks to him! Haha! But as far as I know these socially not so active guys are more humble than everyone thinks they are! Just because they don't interact much doesn't mean they are arrogant!

You can't judge a person by just seeing them and talking to them for a while! Just because a guy makes you laugh for some silly reason doesn't mean he loves your heart! Doesn't mean he will only have you as the love of his life! It doesn't mean he will always think about you! 

This doesn't mean all the socially active guys are doing anything wrong! It just means that all the socially inactive guys aren't doing anything wrong either and they don't deserve the stick they usually get!.And this makes me wonder wether I'll be able to find a real life love anytime soon! Haha!.

*sits in front of a heater with a blanket and headphones on!*

So yes, I was at the gym these days! I kinda like the gym nowadays! I somehow managed to increase my diet, and when I say i increased it, I mean..yeah really!

Wednesday's and Friday's I'm like really exhausted, but still I need to tick off all the boxes to be able to sleep peacefully in th night!

One day In the class,while listening to the HOD(head of department) yes, he is the subject teacher for this semester! -_- he teaches Analog Communications, anyway so yeah while listening to him in the class, he usually says 'students clear GRE and fly to United States and earn dollars there!'All he does in an hours lecture is to explain the glamorous things  he did..and blah blah! But I need to listen to him, because he is the HOD! Haha

But okay he earned this respect! He did his Phd and now he rightfully earns my respect! So hats off to you sir! Haha 

And then,suddenly I realised everyone will clear their GRE's and fly to US and yeah so will I, hope so! But then again I want to be a bit different from others!

Actually I wanted to be a Guitarist! Engineering was never really my cup of tea! Although no one forced me to take this field! It was just me thinking I could become....maybe I can achieve more in this field! And yeah when I say achieving more, I mean the recognition, the passion  the dream being fulfilled not the money and the Fame everyone is after these days! 

I kinda like to be in all fields though! So maybe engineering is my cup of tea! 

I learn Drums even though I learn Guitar! I play Football even though I love playing chess a lot more!( I haven't played football or chess for more than 5 months now haha). So maybe yeah I can be a guitarist and successfully do a job simultaneously! Yeah I'll be a musical Doctor! And when I say doctor, I mean yeah I wanna do my PHD from..blah blah blah! And this is my passion too! But maybe my passion is a bit more towards my Guitar! But anyway I'll do both if possible! Haha! :).

'Life is pretty awesome! Haha yeah it is!' Were the words going on in my mind! Got a new electric guitar! Although I spent all my pocket money on it! Hahah! But I'm quite happy to spend on it! Haha 

So did I find my grove back? No more tired matches of football, no more sitting in my room and wondering what have I got to do with the society and all that stuff!,no more nights of frustation?!,no more thoughts regarding weather I'll actually be able to have that cutting edge! And much more blah blah stuff! Haha!.

It was all going well for me! The schedule I made for myself was pretty tiring but I was enjoying every second of it! College,gym,guitar classes,drum classes and then the practice and studies in the midnight! Haha! It was like I found myself again! I found that drive, that determination!, that hunger!, I was pretty happy! 

But then I realized it was all because of the new electric guitar I bought! Aah love! Thanks a lot! 😘 you'll always be my first love, and no one else can take your place! Not even a real life love! Haha yeah! You are my best friend, my go to solution! Thanks a lot again,Love! 

So back to the daily routine now! Back to the old schedule,a schedule which I created! Hahah i'm the creator o yeah! 

College,Gym,guitar classes,drum classes then the practice! Then sometimes Rubik's cube! Yes,this is my schedule! I like it, I follow it! 

Sometimes it makes me feel a bit...maker me feel as if...like I'm bounded to this! People may start to think like, "yeah this guy hasn't got any social life!"

Umm I never show my emotions on my face though! People won't think like that about me!,or they might as well! Whatever I don't care! Hahaha

I never ever watch movies, if I had to count the number of movies I watched till now,then...ummm..Transformers, spiderman,yeh jawaani hai deewani,kabhi khushi kabhi gam...and...yeah 3 idiots! Maybe like 10 movies that's it! Haha I hate watching movies, I can't help it! Hahaha 

Yeh jawaani hai Deewani, Im like the character Naina(played by deepika padukone) haha yes, she's a girl! But people can be the same,even though they are different genders?! Yes they can be! Haha so I'm the Guy naina! Hahaha Shrikant! 

Another reason which makes me think so is that, I can be the guy if I chose to flirting,roaming around, going to pubs,getting involved in short fights,forming a group of brothers hahaha,borrowing money from dad for some shitty reason and spending that for some other, in short having a social life which every guy thinks is cool and every guy wants to have apart from getting good grades in college..and blah blah! 

And people may not like me for having this mindset! Fair enough! Haha im strong enough to face the criticism,though no one would tell me on the face though! They may bitch about me and try to be a good, kind hearted person! 

After writing all this shit, suddenly what came across my mind is that..haha I've never really been to face that criticism...this is what I think! Haha I think a lot, and I can't help it! Hahaha 

But I'm not the Guy Naina! And what me thinks so is that, she finally did change her social life, didnt she?!hahaha She finally became a socially active girl, and that's because she loved a socially active guy! Haha seems a bit strange but that's what love does to you! And I think I'm not the chatacter in the end! And somewhere in the world there will be a socially not so active girl wanting a socially not so active guy?! Haha maybe yes! Or maybe not! But I can't help myself! I love my life, I love my rules and I love the criticism! Hahaha( I say it again,not that I've faced it often) Maybe when I'll be living my dream,then I'll be a bit more.....naah! I'll be the same guy! Case: Done and Dusted! Hahaha

Hahaha, in the midnight, after watching two matches on the trot, first one Sunderland and my beloved Arsenal! And the second one the El Classico! Real Madrid vs Barcelona! I'm very happy indeed! Arsenal won the match, my favourite player(well I like every arsenal player! Lol) Sanchez bagged a brace! And Barcelona a team I hate! Lost 1-3.

But hang on a second! this shit that I wrote in the beginning doesn't make any sense, or does it? Lol but actually it does! 

Since, I consider this as a good weekend! I'm in a good mood!.

My schedule just kills me off! I want to take a break but I can't! But the truth is I don't want to take a break! I hardly have an hour to spare! But i like this busy schedule! It...it makes me feel proud! Lol. Gives me a feeling...makes me feel that I'm doing something good! Makes me feel like..it reminds me of my dream! When I'll be walking..blah blah and the shit goes on! And I admire that shit! Lol (I've used that word way too many times now!) 

So my life gave me a new motivation! 

But hey! If chasing your dreams would be that easy, then everyone would be chasing their dreams rather than others  dreams! The ones who actually made it! It's...it's like being on the treatment table all the time..and you have to swallow those medicines that you don't like..but you have no other choice! Otherwise you will no longer be alive! Same thing goes here! If you can't chase your dream, you will chase others dream, and you will reach that point in your life, when you have got to keep going, wether you like it or not! Because, a small child grown up into a guy, will be a man by then! 

Since I'm happy and I'm writing a post, and because I'm happy,im wondering what has it got to do with writing a blog post and being happy? Makes no sense does it? Well yes, and no! It makes sense to me, and no sense to others! Hahahaha!  

When I'm happy I like to dance in my room, have a session with my love! And sometimes write a blog post! 

But when I'm happy, I'm not usually happy, it doesn't make any sense, but yes! I recall all the bad incidents that ever happened to me and become sad again! 

I need to find a way...find a way to become more sturdy? More focussed? Focussed on what? I need to find ways to..to feel good! I need that feel good factor back! ( I cannot play guitar all the time, even though I would like to! -_-) 

I think every teen has the same kinda problem! But again, I wanna be different than others! Blah blah blah! 

What can be my feel good factor? O yes, my love! That's the only that Im aware of as of now! Untill I find another one!( don't know what it'll be,but I'm pretty excited!)

:)

Okay,so here is the next post in my blog! But to be honest,I don't really know why am I writing this post, maybe because I'm kinda loving the new keyboard in iOS8, or maybe because I feel like writing one, I don't know! Lol

Now coming to the point though!, usually whenever a situation comes, I like to do it alone, all by myself! I don't feel like...like asking for someone's help or infact help someone! I know it's a bit strange! But really, that's what..that's what I really like to do, to be alone, and...and I don't know why! 

I make up situations in my mind, on my own! And using that instances, I think I can do it all by myself! Maybe it's right, maybe it's wrong!, I don't know! 

I go alone to anywhere I go, meet people there, and leave alone! Never do I get invloved in parties, umm maybe sometimes, but I don't like it! 

Since I think a lot, sometimes there comes across a question in my mind, am I really doing the right thing? 

Missing all the fun? Missing the freedom, missing the outings,missing the talks involving girls, being cool infront of other guys because of the number of girls he talks to? missing the vodka,whiskey and all that stuff( I hate to drink) but some people get addicted to all these stuff, maybe there's a reason for their addiction, like I'm addicted to my first love? Yes! But guitar is a completely different thing! But still an addiction is an addiction! Isn't it?

Since every guy, I don't know about girls! hey!, but everyone likes to talk to opposite gender, don't they? Forming a group, involving both girls and boys, yes it it the trend of the teenagers! 

And I don't like that too! I like roaming around alone!, listening to songs and roaming around!, with a guitar in my hands, and roaming around! Alone, entertaining myself, that's what I like to do! Yeah! 

But hey,hang on a second! Do I really like all these things? Can I really make them my so called 'addictions'? Can I really leave my Guitar? My Drums? My Rubik's cube? My love for new gadgets? Okay okay, apart from my first love, I don't really call the rest my 'addictions'! Yes, I love my drums as well, but only as a hobbie! Apart from that, I left all other hobbies! When I say hobbies, I say the chess,and the others mentioned above, blah blah blah and all that! Why? I don't know! 

I heard someone somewhere someday saying you have got to learn to love the toughest thing in the world, that is to standing alone in...in front of the crowd, in...in situations in life where all you have got is to stand alone and fight!

Maybe I heard him, maybe not, I don't know! 

:)

Okay,so the sequel now ! 

A dream too big ! What does it actually mean ? To me ? To my personal life ? To my ambitions ? Yah !

So yesterday,i was watching a movie,and since i wrote about after life,or like another life if i do have one,in the end of my previous post,it made me think as to wether i can relate myself or not !

And i was watching another movie,kabhi khushi kabhi gam,(yes i agree too old movie it is,but sometimes this is what happens when sadness or what do you call dissatisfaction ? meets boredom,you spit out all the thoughts which you are discontent with),and yes these are the words coming out from the guy who used to hate watching movies !

So what exactly do i want ? Why am i so depressed which even made me quit watching and playing football,stop playing Fifa,stop getting updated with latest softwares,stop me going to parties,stop playing chess to the extent that...that i don't even remember my secret moves...which..which were stored in a locker..in my mind..where i never thought would get stolen !(i will never stop playing Guitar though ! My First Love it is ! )

This is the age to enjoy all this ? No ?!

This is the period of our lives,where everything we do,we do with our choice,where we start to gain freedom,so why have i chosen to become,or continue to be a home sick child ? (To be honest,i was always one !) 

So it all started with a movie,right ! So,i was watching kabhi khushi kabhi gam,and Shahrukh khan,steps down from a helicopter,runs and enters the house where everyone was waiting to see him,after 4 years of studies from the United States,one more person who was waiting probably more than all the other people combined was ? Yes his mother !

And,because Shahrukh khan,the so called "hero" had become a successful man ! She was very proud indeed !

She was proud that her son,was no longer a boy,he was a man ! She was proud that the boy who saw his dad go to office,will now follow his footsteps as well,she was proud that her son,not only did he promise her,but fulfilled his promise too ! 

So what do i dream exactly ?

Well,i dream of completing my masters and Phd from Harvard University ! 

Despite the problem not being the financial one,which puts many people off the starting line,something pulls me back !

And if the problem isn't money,then what is it ?

Okay,i still remember,why won't i ?

my parents gifted me an iPhone 5S on my 19th birthday ! And an iPhone 5 on my 18th birthday,and an iPhone 4S on 17th !

Everytime next iPhone came,i had it in my hands to test it out ! 

And because of this mere reason,something is meant to be returned to them ! No ?!

Because,i never really had that winning feeling,that feeling which instills confidence into a person,that feeling which makes you...makes you feel proud,that proud feeling that makes my heart heavy,that weighed heart which brings happiness,and that happiness which brings that smile onto their faces !

From these 19 longs years,i came to know...well..there will never be a place for a soft hearted boy..or rather a soft hearted man now !

I was one too ! A boy...well..i never really intend to make mistakes,and i still find myself with false reputations and..the worst part,without even a best friend uptill now ! Not in school,not in college,not in my society,not in my guitar classes,nowhere did i find a friend with whom i can be comfortable with ! Maybe i'm too boring ?! Maybe i'm dumb enough ? 

(Umm yah,83.5% in boards isn't much of an achievement,or is it ?!)

Never did i have,or was a favourite student for a teacher,never did i hear from a teacher saying "Shrikant,my hopes are pinned upon you ! So best of luck !" 

Yah,there were better options ofcourse !

Never did i hear someone saying,"you are really good at this" !.

All i do is cry for a while(yes,i do cry sometimes) and sleep !

Since it took me 2 long days to write this post,i decided not to write the next sequel till the day...the day when 

"Wind will flow,world will stand still,everyone will watch me walk on the biggest stage of all(and i don't know what the stage is) with my pHD degree in one hand and my first love in another" !.

If the sequel "A Dream Too Big?:Not Anymore"doesn't come,it won't make me sad,since i have nothing to lose now !

But if it does come come,i'll be the first one to cry before my parents do,after seeing them smile ! :).

Umm,coming to my room,sitting near my study table,in front of my laptop and wondering how long it has been since i wrote a new blog post ! But really, this post,when i thought about writing it doesn't really make me feel to write one,but anyway,i'll write it down ! 

Dreams,everyone has dreams ! Want to be good in this, blah blah blah !

But,i had a dream too,not really a dream,an obsession maybe ? Or a passion ? Whatever !

So before writing this post,i saw a show,a show where people,mostly teenagers come up,and show their talent to the people around the world,a boy won the show,and hands down ! He was the deserving winner ! but hang on ! Hang on ! What i also saw there were two people clapping their hearts out of happiness,joy and tears of proud moments their son has produced ! Yes they where his parents ! And just when he was called upon to collect his award,he thanked his mother and father ! And the smile on the faces of his parents,ahh priceless !

After claiming the award,he pointed that to them ! ^_^

Everytime,i see my peer or a teenager of my age alike, lift a trophy,win something,i feel bad,not because i lost,not because i cudn't claim few rewards,not just because i'm not famous in and around my friends circle,not just because that award won't fetch me 200 likes on facebook ! just because i wasn't able to see that smile on their faces,that proud moment which cud've made my parents so haappy !

After evaluating my progress till now i've made,well i've hardly produced any such moment for my parents to be proud of !

I remember, i played in my school soccer team,inter house ! I was in Shivam house,and we lost in the semi-finals. When i came back home,dad asked "hey son how was your match ? How many goals did you score ? You won the match ?"

I said(in a sour tone) "nah we lost the match " 

"Satyam house won !"

And suddenly,both of them said,atleast u got to the semi's !

Then,i got selected for an Inter-School skit play competition ! 

Sumeda ma'am,my favourite teacher till now, I was the monitor of the class then ! Back when i was in class 8 ! The whole class wished me good luck ! And before leaving home,mother said,"don't worry,you win or lose,we're always with you ! "

I reached Birla Vidya School in Delhi,waited for a while,and finally our chance came ! I saw others performing and was a bit nervous ! We performed well,and during the play,there was a time when i had to change my clothes,and after changing,i felt a bit uncomfortable,till then what was going so good,slightly became a bit dubious for me ! And,we came third in that competition !

All i got was a certificate to show for it !

Next,i was chosen to represent my school in class 11,in Inter-school Techno Quiz ! Sophia ma'am gave me that oportunity !

We visited Khaitan public school !

I and my class mate gone their,qualified for round 2,then round 3,but crumbled in the final round !

I still remeber that day, and after i came back to school at 2:10 to board for my van with sister, i came to know, i had scored the third highest marks in chemistry exam ! I quickly got over the disappointment !

But, all i got was a certificate !

Then,in college first year,things finally were looking like they were to change !

I and my fellow mates,gone to shaheed Shagat Singh college,in a Fifa 14 competiton ! First up was the round of 64,all four of us had cleared the first hurdle ! *sigh of relief*

Then up next was the round of 32,and all my three mates were eliminated except for me ! 

I had progressed to the round of 16,and out of sheer joy,i texted my mom and dad that i'm into the last 16 !

.....and i lost there ! 0-2 !

Other guy shouting

"Yeah man,i won" 

"Into the quarter finals"

I was 3 matches away from the final !

And when i returned home,once again with a familiar feeling,i quickly went into my room, i heard my dad saying to my mom

"Dear,trust me our son will win this,he's too good at this"

And also heard mom saying

"Haha yes,he's clever but never applies that into practice"

And then they saw me in my room a while after,amd asked me what happend ?

I said "ah i lost !"

And again,they were the first ones to make me feel better !

Then,next i got selected for the Techno-Debate this time,in Acharya Narendra Dev college !

Round 1,every one was given a topic to speak in for or against the motion,i chose for the motion,and the topic was

"Has iOS 7 finally overtaken android ?"

I spoke,and progressed to the next round,

Round 2 !

And,well there aren't any prizes for guessing,if one read my post till here,i lost ! And had i qualified there,i cud've been into finals !

Back when,i was a kid of 8 or 9 years old,i dreamt of,well, i dreamt of everything opposite that has happend to me !

Now,i neither have that obsession or that adrenaline rush in me which will push me to try for further things !

Also,i wished to study abroad after my schooling,but there again, i felt short,only a bit for the University of my dreams,yes Harvard University !

..and the last thing i wanted before leaving for my college,i wanted to stand in front of my teachers and fellow mates on stage,and giving a farewell speech ! 

..and that dream was too big as well for me ! All i did,was watch from the sidelines, and clap for them who all made it !

While i was dancing on the floor,the so called "priviliged ones were doing that on stage" and yes ! I do rate them higher,all of them,who made it to the stage !

And,wish had i been one of them too !

So after all my struggles,after all the inspirational quotes,after all the sayings,and everything that has happend to me uptill now !

I often think, i may not be good enough for all that ?! Maybe,had someone else got that many opportunities as i did ! Maybe he may have suceeded !

I am not a good son ! And i'm too shy to say in front of you both,so i thought i can write a blog on that !

Sorry Mom ! Sorry Dad !

And,if there is another life destined for me, i wish, i reborned as a child of yours,and maybe then,i can bring that smile on your faces ! :)

Yesterday..i saw a boy,a boy who was a bit dubious,a boy who's eyes..as if they are ready to ask...in fact beg for some help..a boy who was good in everything..but master of none, a boy who helped everyone but received only a tinge of it in return ! a boy who was vehement..yes he was ! but feared to express be it in anything, feared the world.."what would everyone think..? "they'll make a fun of me ! " "nah not this time" were often his thoughts..be it any situation,be it a football match,be it dancing,singing..anything...anything he came across..he backed it off ! Self esteem..well ones who studied Behavioural Science..may understand it better ! Lol...if a rating were to be given to it...3 or 4 might be the outcome !




we live in a world..everyone will agree i think..where there are two options for an individual : first is...be the best..to beat the best !
and second become strong enough to see others succeed !
and guess what ? the boy had none of the options at his disposal ! he neither was best ! nor was strong enough to face the criticism ! when i talk about..strong..it's the personality of course..it's what matters most i think ! not the physical presence ! and when i talk about criticism..it is...when people bitch about you..when the crowd throw stones at you in a concert..when people boo you in a ramp walk..when people make fun of you ! when seniors rag you ! when people reject your good deeds ! when people ignore you ! when neighbors make fun of you..compare you with their son...when your mom dad are ashamed of you when you come last in an exam ! that's when we are meant to be strong....no ?!
only a hand full of people were there who spotted his talents ! and two of them were his mom and dad !(no brainer lol) A mother always admires her child no matter how inferior he might be to others ! and a dad always encourages his Son..and prepares his kid to become sturdy ! to face and defeat his peers..in an amicable way of course !
Since he was so timid..he never really had the curiosity to get dressed up nicely ! one day...walking along a street ! met his friends ! his peers said to him.."hey ! you little piece of shit !" he replied "what's your problem mate ahn ?!" (tone a bit low and petrified !)
and he got a battering..nah not a beating from them...but words are more than enough to do that ! and what did he got ?!
""dressed like an old man ! and talks like Robert Downey,Jr !" He was upset..tried to even die ! Go away from this uncompromising world..but the smile of his mother..the passion for his dad...effection towards his loved ones...just..just stopped him !
were all his friends better than him...were all of them The Best ? were all of them...the masters of their generation..one the best scholar..another best guitarist..the best drummer...best footballer...best artist..best photographer ?best writer..best cricketer ?best actor..best sprinter ? He used to think !!..but confidence...he lacked it ! 

best in everything ahn ? no one is !! yes no one ! Everyday he saw his peers...running away to their parents with trophies.."hey mom i won this..dad i won that !" 

"I wad the best athlete !"

"I won this competition dad !"

"Mom...won the best artist award !"

 Their parents saying.." thats more like it my son !"

"Ahn..you surely are my son !"

He wanted to experience it too ! People..shouting his name...his baners,posters..everywhere...he walking ..with the...parents seeing..his teachers..friends..family members ...everyone !.maybe..his dream was too big ! If not..his fear to achieve it surely was !

but one thing he sure had..was a screaming voice craving for an fortuity ! ...the little boy who is trapped inside a world....a world created  by he himself...a world full of fear..a companion less world where all it did contain..was he and himself and his trepidation ! a trepidation of the opinions...of the disdain looks..of the nugatory comments !





then one day ! he met an old man...on the street...telling a person...a lesson..he gone there..sat behind them..found it interesting !he started listening to him !

if you can talk to the crowds and keep your virtue;

or walk with the king,nor loose the common touch;

if neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you;

if all men count with you but none too much;

if you can fill the unforgiving minute;

with sixty seconds worth of distance run;

Your's is the earth,and everything that's in it ;

And which is more-You'll be a Man-My Son ! ;

these lines turned out to be such inspiring to him...magic lines !  He thought about these lines..cried..at first ! Spitted out his anger ! Thought.."why always me ?!" 

He suddenly found...his head..under the hand..of the orator..the old guy ! He said...i hope you listened it as well my boy !!! ..but he recaptulated the moments..moments of love..moments of joy...moments of passion...everyday fights with his siblings...the storied told by his grandma..the will to become a reason for the smile behind his parents...who barely asked anything but his smile in return ! nah not the same guy..who backed everythng..nah not anymore ! the same old dressed guy suddenly became the Brad Pitt in front of the people !..the same guy good in everything...became the master(no one is though)...yeah..who likes a boring guy these days..not their fault really..the people..the crowd.. !! but it wasn't his fault either !! who's fault it was ?.. well..i don't know !(Lol)..but he was trapped in his depressed mind ! maybe..his mind's fault it was !! suddenly..amended comments..he got..were..."hey man..wassup ?" his reply "nothing man ! i've got to go !..nice meeting you" since he experienced it all..when it comes to discomfort ! he wasn't the one to repeat that to others !
he was now a Man....a man..grown up to his strengths...knowing his weaknesses..the experience of rejection..the boo's....the scoldings..the ashamed moments..the defeats...all of them..which made him stronger...better...!

and the lesson..was told by a person..whom he knew already..meets him everyday..plays with him..kills his boredom...yes his Grand Pa..to his Dad..he listened...put into practice..and changed his world !! And every time he see's a new challenge..five words ring to his ears ! "you'll be a Man-My son !"

Ps: this post has no relevence what so ever to real life ! Lol !